I apologize in advance for this nonsensical, girly, bucket of self-pity and deep-gut feeling. I needed to type it. 

I feel so alone sometimes.

I know everyone has felt that way at some point; it’s part of the human experience to feel alone. But it’s strange, I feel this way never when I’m all by myself, painting or listening to music, but when I’m with people, with people I call “friends”. I’ll be standing in a group of kids that I know, people I like, but I can never find any quips clever enough, anything witty or charming enough, to make myself feel like I’m really wanted there. I feel like an accessory or a side dish; it’s alright to have me around, but I’m never truly essential to anything.I read somewhere that we can never fully express our own experiences, so no matter how many people are around us, we live life alone. 

I suppose it’s because I’m a more passive person than most, I can’t say I’m much of a leader or a revolutionary. I’m kind of a push-over, I’m kind of a wimp, and I kind of just go along with things. And sometimes, I really, really hate that about myself. I can’t stand the fact that I can’t take a position on anything because I always see both sides. I wish I could be more headstrong on occasion. I wish I could stop contradicting myself all the time. I wish I wasn’t such a goddamn people pleaser. Unfortunately, I like making people happy, it’s something I like to do. It’s when I lose myself in it that bothers me so much.

Anyways, when I spend time with people in larger groups, I get lost. I like small groups of people, I’m more comfortable that way, people pay more attention. It’s the moment when I feel like a waste of space that I wish I was back at home, shut up in my room. I can’t stand how uninteresting I am. How I never can tell a good story right. How I can never completely connect with someone. How I know that I shall forever be this way. Alone in my own head.